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Life changing advice that is simple to apply
When discussing building relationship skills with a therapist several years ago (and it is a skill, make no mistake), she recommended this book as providing a useful framework for thinking about loving relationships of all kinds โ romantic, familial, even friends. Several years later, I can honestly say it has permanently changed the way I think about these relationships.
The premise, as you probably know, is that people have one of five native love languages โ words, gifts, touch, acts of service, or quality time. It's a remarkably robust idea. It's so simple and clear that I instantly recognized the love languages in my current relationships, and even achieved a much greater understanding of some past conflicts by thinking of them in this new context.
For example, I realized while reading that my mother is 100% on the "acts of service" side. While she almost never gets sentimental, she shows love by doing all she can to help people out in any way possible โ even ways that seem completely trivial. And I realized how much more hurtful it can be if I take these acts for granted, since these are her little expressions of love. It explained a lot.
I also realized that my partner uses "words of affirmation," which had been a source of minor conflict for us, as that's probably my least used love language. It turns out that he was a little hurt whenever I'd hang up the phone without saying "I love you." I've now taught myself to say it every time, and he's noticeably happier about it โ or as Chapman would say, his tank is fuller.
After I read this book and held onto it for a while, I gave it to my sister. She read it, and we had a great discussion about the relationships in our lives. Chapman has really hit on something perfect with this little book โ a simple theory that's easy to remember, remarkably accurate, and most importantly, instantly practical.
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Reviewed in the United States on October 12, 2015
